Boogie Compute Nodes
COMPUTE · BCN
Elastic virtual machines that autoscale to the beat. Choose from Nano, Standard,
or our GPU-backed Saturday Night Fever tier for workloads that need to really move.
from $4.20 / minbilled even while idling, out of respect
Mamma Mia Storage
OBJECT STORAGE · MMS
Three tiers: Dancing Queen (hot), Chiquitita (cool), and
Waterloo (archive — once it's in, it's in. History repeats.).
from $0.99 / minretrieval fee negotiated separately, emotionally
SuperTrouper Network Fabric
NETWORKING
A global backbone so bright, other clouds will need shades — and you'll need
a bigger invoice. Low latency guaranteed within the same building.
$6.66 / minper active route, plus vibes
WAFv3 — Winner Takes It All Firewall
SECURITY
Every rule defaults to deny. Including yours. Including admin.
We don't inspect packets so much as reject the very concept of traffic.
$14.99 / minwe save you from yourself, literally
Voulez-Vous IAM
IDENTITY (ACCESS) MISMANAGEMENT
Granular permissions so precise that nobody — including you, including us,
including the account that created the account — can access anything at all.
$9.99 / minper policy evaluated, per existential crisis
Fernando Edge Delivery Network
CDN
Zero points of presence anywhere near your users, but the dashboard has
excellent ambience. There was something to be alive for.
$5.55 / minper edge node, mostly theoretical
Money, Money, Money Container Orchestra
MMMCO · CONTAINERS
Conducts your containers like a disco orchestra: with enthusiasm,
occasional timing issues, and a bill that keeps climbing regardless of tempo.
$22.22 / minrich man's world, apparently
S.O.S. Managed Database
DATABASE
A managed Postgres/Mongo hybrid nobody requested. Send us an S.O.S.
and we'll get back to you within one to fourteen business days.
$17.76 / minper instance, per cry for help
Lay All Your Love On Us Load Balancer
NETWORKING
Distributes traffic — and blame — equally across every available node,
including nodes that don't exist yet.
$8.88 / minper listener, per heartbreak
Does Your Mother Know Backup & DR
BACKUP / DISASTER RECOVERY
Backups you will, eventually, need to explain to your mother, your board,
and possibly a regulator, when the restore quietly fails.
$11.11 / minrestores billed separately, tearfully
One Of Us Functions
FAAS · SERVERLESS
Serverless compute with solidarity pricing: you are billed whether or not
your function is ever invoked, because you are one of us now. There's no going back.
$2.99 / minidle-by-design
Thank You For The Music AI/ML
AI / ML PLATFORM
Generates confident, unsolicited insights in strict 4/4 time.
Accuracy not guaranteed. Enthusiasm guaranteed.
$49.99 / minper inference, per opinion
